The ABCD and E's of True Connections

My daily professional life entails trying to figure out better and better ways to help people understand and truly connect with their loved ones on the autism spectrum with all the love and respect we all deserve and cherish.

Everyone starts from very different points of origin. Some parents never had any experience with children prior to having their own children...and have a child with autism. Others have uber amounts of experience with children and even autistic individuals (e.g., siblings, parents on spectrum) before having children or becoming teachers or guides of some sort. Some people think they have read every book or know all the tools & techniques but still - they do not have true connections. Parents almost always echo my concerns about early attachment. But the research says that children with autism have attachments that are very similar to the average population. I am still trying to figure out how a baby who has serious sensory issues that cause challenges with social engagement through touch and eye gaze can possibly have typical attachment, but that will be for my doctorate thesis, I guess. I do know very clearly that people with autism, or autistic individuals, have every desire and capability of truly connecting with his/her parents and loved ones. It just takes a little more patience, a little more time, and a lot of practice, and a lot of consistency to ensure this for a person on spectrum to learn and grow through that connection.

I am a fan of acronyms and short phrases. It may come from my own memory issues and need for them for my own processing. But it seems many of the parents and professionals I serve find them helpful, as well. In fact, several have urged me to write this one down, so here I am.

Here is my latest acronym or mnemonic device for how to practice ensuring true connections with someone you love with autism (and guess what, it actually works for all children and even all adults)....

A is for Attitude Check yours at the door. If you are not in a calm place, neither will your child/loved one when you try to approach him/her.

B is for Breathe. And keep breathing. Model staying calm with this tried and true technique. The more you keep your heart rate and breathing in check, so will your child/loved one.

C is for Curiosity. You will need to be curious about what your child is thinking and feeling even when his/her behavior may frustrate you. One of my favorite phrases is "turn frustration into fascination." Allowing yourself to let go of the frustration and simply wonder why your child may be angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused, will not only settle your overall approach (making you more approachable) but also allow you to learn more about your child's behaviors and how to help your child find alternatives.

D is for Down to Business. After the ABCs listed above (and only after)... then you can truly get down to business but not a minute or second sooner. Only after you have checked yourself, ensured your breathing and regulation, and moved into being curious about what your child is thinking and feeling can you then get down to business with the activity you had in mind when you approached your child or loved one. This means the task takes a BACKSEAT to the ABCs. Please remember this.
It is not DABC. That would just confuse people.

E is for Engage. Now think of engage as a mechanical term. If two gears that are spinning fast, not connected, and spinning on their own, they are not in the position to engage those gear teeth to one another. You can think of people in the same way. You simply cannot engage someone else when you or they are spinning alone, not slowing down to seek connection. And then to keep those wheels/gears in motion, you have to regulate your speed together to ensure the gears keep connection and motoring along. So if something derails your interaction, even after initial interaction, slow down. Go back to through the ABCDE process above, starting again with A. And don't forget to breathe.

If I had a prescription pad, I would be writing you a prescription to go use these ABCDEs with someone you love who does NOT have autism first. Feel how it feels. Then go to connect with an autistic individual. It may be just that easy but my guess is that you may have to slow down a little more, be a little more curious, and ensure a few more practice sessions before you have the trust necessary. But I know you will get there with these simple ABCD and Es.

Enjoy one another.

Barb