We can sometimes get really excited about progress forward and forget the very foundations that need to be steadied, reinforced from time to time, or simply given a bit of time.
I speak with so many parents about events which can set a person up for challenging behaviors. These can include noisy and/or busy environments to performance anxiety levels. If a child has made nice progress over a bit of time, s/he may hit a plateau or even seem to take a nose dive on progress. However, time and time again, barring neurological disruptions, when given time to return to the basics of relationship building with guides, the person comes back stronger than ever before.
I think we all can relate that we sometimes get to a point in our lives when we feel we have to scale things back, take a look at priorities, and "reset" our systems.
Please take some time now and again, when things seem a bit chaotic, to take a step back to spotlighting the relationship you have with your child or student. We NEVER go wrong by taking time to strength relationships and connection. Here are a few tools and techniques to remember:
1. Slow down. When you feel frantic, your child probably feels it 10 fold. Slow your heart rate, your thinking, your movements. S/he (and you) will benefit greatly.
2. Talk less. At any given time, you should only be talking as much as your child or student is talking. If s/he is silent, take the cue. If s/he is talkative, you may be able to use more... but be sure you find a balance and leave openings for your child to share his/her thinking with you.
3. Partner. In small moments throughout your day, whether it is a day to follow your child's lead or s/he is more interested in following yours, find authentic ways to partner authentically. Carry things together. Open boxes together. Cut a piece of paper while one of you holds it and the other cuts. Make a bed together. Mix a cake together. Read a book together so that s/he has an active role to turn pages or read parts s/he knows.
4. Assume intent. S/he may make a statement or comment to you that seems out of context or something you know s/he knows the answer to. Instead of answering EXACTLY what s/he asked/said... consider thinking about what s/he might have wished to say but her words got in the way. Maybe s/he was simply trying to connect with you, engage you, but his/her words came out differently because they are such habit or neurologically wired to come out that way. Consider sharing something with your child in that moment, instead. Experiment and again, try to assume s/he means to connect, engage, join you vs. push you away. S/he just might be anxious or feeling a bit chaotic, which may get in the way.
5. Co-regulate. This is a term from typical development research. I also call it "creating a partnership with a rhythm "or "creating synchrony." Whenever possible, try to create moments where a partnership can continue beyond just a one time interaction. Turn taking is inherently easy to do this with but so is turning pages in a book (multiple pages) or stirring something you are cooking together in the kitchen or handing each other something to put in/on something else. Creating rhythms really highlights both the interaction but also each of your responsibilities to keep it going.
6. Body positioning. Use your body to help guide her to know what s/he was doing or should be attending to. S/he may not always respond perfectly to this but s/he sure responds to it more often than not. If s/he leaves an area, go move your body to be between him/her and anywhere else... holding your arms out slightly to guide him/her back to what s/he was doing. If you know s/he may leave, position yourself before s/he goes, to create a nice clear boundary for your child's attention and focus.
Best wishes to all of you!
Barb
503-432-8760
bavilaconsulting@gmail.com
Please take some time now and again, when things seem a bit chaotic, to take a step back to spotlighting the relationship you have with your child or student. We NEVER go wrong by taking time to strength relationships and connection. Here are a few tools and techniques to remember:
1. Slow down. When you feel frantic, your child probably feels it 10 fold. Slow your heart rate, your thinking, your movements. S/he (and you) will benefit greatly.
2. Talk less. At any given time, you should only be talking as much as your child or student is talking. If s/he is silent, take the cue. If s/he is talkative, you may be able to use more... but be sure you find a balance and leave openings for your child to share his/her thinking with you.
3. Partner. In small moments throughout your day, whether it is a day to follow your child's lead or s/he is more interested in following yours, find authentic ways to partner authentically. Carry things together. Open boxes together. Cut a piece of paper while one of you holds it and the other cuts. Make a bed together. Mix a cake together. Read a book together so that s/he has an active role to turn pages or read parts s/he knows.
4. Assume intent. S/he may make a statement or comment to you that seems out of context or something you know s/he knows the answer to. Instead of answering EXACTLY what s/he asked/said... consider thinking about what s/he might have wished to say but her words got in the way. Maybe s/he was simply trying to connect with you, engage you, but his/her words came out differently because they are such habit or neurologically wired to come out that way. Consider sharing something with your child in that moment, instead. Experiment and again, try to assume s/he means to connect, engage, join you vs. push you away. S/he just might be anxious or feeling a bit chaotic, which may get in the way.5. Co-regulate. This is a term from typical development research. I also call it "creating a partnership with a rhythm "or "creating synchrony." Whenever possible, try to create moments where a partnership can continue beyond just a one time interaction. Turn taking is inherently easy to do this with but so is turning pages in a book (multiple pages) or stirring something you are cooking together in the kitchen or handing each other something to put in/on something else. Creating rhythms really highlights both the interaction but also each of your responsibilities to keep it going.
6. Body positioning. Use your body to help guide her to know what s/he was doing or should be attending to. S/he may not always respond perfectly to this but s/he sure responds to it more often than not. If s/he leaves an area, go move your body to be between him/her and anywhere else... holding your arms out slightly to guide him/her back to what s/he was doing. If you know s/he may leave, position yourself before s/he goes, to create a nice clear boundary for your child's attention and focus.
Best wishes to all of you!
Barb
503-432-8760
bavilaconsulting@gmail.com
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